I was wondering if I could get your help with a relationship I’m currently in, or rather, was in.
I met this girl six months ago and it was love at first sight. We moved in together a few months later. Everything seemed to be going well. About a month ago we broke up and I was devastated.
We said we would be friends once we were comfortable with it. Now we have reached that comfort zone, though it is hard on me. One night about two weeks ago I told her I still had feelings for her.
She said she didn’t have those feelings for me anymore, and only cared about me and worried about me. She said she doesn’t want a serious relationship right now because she is only 20 and doesn’t want to be tied down.
Well, we went through that and moved on to “just friends.” It is still very strange being around her. We do things together. But every now and then she does something that makes me think she has feelings for me.
We still seem to flirt with one another. Maybe she doesn’t realize it, but I get mixed feelings and signals from her. At times, when we are close together, it seems like a moment to kiss her. But I pull away because I don’t want to betray the fragile friendship we’ve worked to achieve.
I guess what I’m asking is if it is possible for people who were once in love, then become friends, to go back to being in love. If so, how do I know when the time is right and she feels the same way.
Owen, the 19th century humorist Josh Billings said, “As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.”
It wasn’t love at first sight. It was desire at first sight. You didn’t know her then. Your relationship started based on what you could see on the outside. It was not based on what was inside her.
Perhaps you swept her up in your feelings for her, but friendship was not the basis of attraction. In a few seconds of looking at her in a moment of her life, you felt something. If you had seen her on her worst hair day, when she went shopping hoping no one would see her, the result might have been different.
Stop acting like a sleuth trying to detect her inner thoughts from a toss of her head, the way she holds her hands, or the dilation of her pupils. She speaks plain English. In plain English she said no.
You didn’t get involved to be her friend, and you are proving to yourself and now to us that you do not want friendship with her. Don’t hang around hoping for a weak moment or looking for signals that contradict her words. Because of your feelings and your desires, you cannot trust how you perceive her.
Life will be tough if you don’t think other people have the same rights you do. If you can tell her to be your girlfriend, some woman can tell you to be her boyfriend. And if you want what you want regardless of what she wants, you don’t care about her.
There is a lesson here: you want someone who wants you with the same passion you want them. No less should be accepted. You deserve that, and it is the only thing which will work.
That’s the truth. But as Josh Billings said, scarce as truth is, the demand is always less than the supply.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of January 21, 2019
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Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.