My husband has been involved with another woman for over a year. In June he said it was over, but began seeing her again in October.
He told me he loves me and our family and doesn’t want to leave, but nothing I say or do convinces him to give her up. I finally realized the only person who can end the relationship is him, when and if he wants to.
I love my husband very much. We have three great kids and a nice life together. We still enjoy each other’s company and visit friends and relatives together. Since he began seeing her again, I have not wanted to make love with him. I told him it is too painful to do it and then watch him call and go see her.
I told him to do whatever it is he needs to do in order to figure out what he wants from life. I said I would not judge him, hold it against him or hate him. All I want is for his relationship with her to end. I harbor no grudges.
He also has a problem with getting older. It really bothers him. Having him back in my life is more important than anything he has done.
Jackie, people will do a lot of things to hold on to a lifestyle. You believe your survival depends on not letting this man get away from you. But the more you are willing to let him do to you, the more he will do.
A dog so submissive that it rolls over and pees on itself when you approach does not command respect. No one wants that dog. What if taxes worked on a voluntary basis? Do you think there would be any roads or schools or parks? What if you allowed an employer to pay you or not, as he chooses?
There should always be a price to be paid for bad behavior. What you are doing is the exact
opposite of what you need to do to make him end this relationship. You are not helping him to be a better man. You are encouraging his most base and selfish self.
Saying you won’t judge is a lie. It’s what someone says instead of the truth. Are you saying you reach for an orange in a store with your eyes closed because you can’t judge? If you’ve ever felt more than one tomato before you picked it up, you believe in judging.
You want him to stop what he is doing. That’s your judgment. Saying you won’t judge means you are unwilling to take the risk or gain the reward that comes from standing up for what you believe in.
We don’t see your actions springing from love. We see them coming from fear and a perceived need. What is behind this fear? That you can’t support yourself or the children…that you are afraid of getting older without his money or retirement…that you simply cannot see an acceptable existence without the benefits he brings?
But where are your plans to protect yourself? If you are not plotting out a life without him, you are foolish, because another woman is thinking, “If I could just get him to divorce his wife, things would be perfect for me.”
We suggest getting individual counseling so you can privately spill out your feelings to another person and see what their reaction is. It could be the first step in regaining confidence and self- esteem.
You trusted him with your bed and your heart and your life. It’s time to start trusting yourself.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of December 5, 2016
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