I’m writing in hopes of finding a solution to my misery. I’ve known this guy eight years. We clicked and became great friends. Through those years he had three girlfriends. The last one left our second year in university.
We always had feelings for each other but never dated. There was trouble with his last girlfriend, I was hurt by it, so I cut him off for four years. Though he tried to talk to me, I blocked him and pretended ignorance. Last year, we started talking again and we realized we still have feelings for each other.
Our relationship started off pure and cute and everything was fine, until the day he wanted to sext.
The things is, I’m very conservative. I accepted, first, because I didn’t want to hurt him. He said when I refuse he feels unwanted. Second, he said I could go as far as I’m comfortable with. Nope, that was a lie.
He started to get angry when I didn’t send him nudes or when I changed the subject. Early this month we met and had a heated make-out session. He got mad I didn’t give him more, then he cooled off and we started talking normally.
Or that’s how I thought until two days ago when he wanted to sext. When I said how I felt about sexting, it made him super mad.
To be honest, it’s rare for him to have a normal conversation with me. He turns everything sexual. I feel he’s simply trying to please his needs. Then again, I remember we talked about marriage.
But isn’t he supposed to respect how I feel? I try my best not to make him mad, but all I get is the silent treatment. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong or he is. Then I tell myself, maybe it’s just how men are.
We live in different cities. He has financial problems and keeps asking if I’d be able to accept that if we get married.
Alya, your letter could be a small book, all on its own.
The story starts in high school. He claims he had feelings for you though he was involved in three consecutive relationships with other girls. Because you had feelings for him, you overlooked that he flirted with you while involved with them.
He was not respectful of his girlfriends, but you had no relationship with those girls, so it was easy to overlook.
Why did he say he had feelings for you? Thinking you found him attractive puffed him up. There are women like that. They don’t have to be interested in a man, but they want every man in the room to want them.
When you refuse to sext, he doesn’t feel unwanted. He feels he is not getting what he wants. That’s simple selfishness. He talks marriage because he wants to cross your boundaries. He hopes you will excuse his behavior, thinking, “But he’s going to marry me.”
Try reading your letter as if it was written by your sister. He is long distance, uses you as interactive porn, and is in financial trouble.
Young women these days are at greater risk. With immediate digital communication, anything done in haste can achieve widespread circulation without hope of retrieval. Just as we teach children to look both ways before crossing a street, we must teach them never to take compromising images of themselves.
Let him wander off to one of the other women he toys with. Then ask yourself a question. Why do I have feelings for a man who appears to be without respect?
~ Wayne & Tamara
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Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.
Direct Answers for the week of July 22, 2019